Aches and Payne's
by Mick Howell
Summary: Something's up with Podrick and the Payne's organize a family meeting. A spin-off of "Fawn".


ASOIAF: Modern!AU

Aches & Payne's

Disclaimer: I Own Nothing.

Summary: Something's up with Podrick and the Payne family organizes a family meeting. A spin-off of "Fawn".

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The Payne family was a fairly large bunch, with a total fifteen members. There was the Patriarch, Grandpa Pate Payne, and his wife, Old Jeyne. Their sons, Edric and Ilyn Payne. Edric's wife, Ange, and his son, Petyr, and daughter, Paget. Then there were Grandpa Pate's nephews, Hadwin, Irwin, and Luwin. There had been a fourth nephew, Darwin, but he died many years ago in an on the job accident. He left behind a son, Podrick, however. Hadwin had a wife, Bessa, but she was barren. And Irwin and his wife, Jeyne, had had two sons, Cedric and Gawen, but Cedric died years ago. Luwin had a bastard daughter named Myriad Hill.

Sadly, despite their size, the Payne's were not the closest of families, so when their concerned matriarch, Old Jeyne, called a family meeting, less than half the family actually showed up.

"Aunty Jeyne!" Myriad cheered as the old woman opened the front door to the Payne home. The dark haired girl enveloped the short gray-haired woman in a tight embrace that Old Jeyne returned with a warm smile. "Myriad, I'm so glad you came," Old Jeyne said, stepping back to give the girl a look over. Myriad stood at nearly six feet tall with eyes black as coal and hair dark as night, typical Payne features, and she smiled with pearly white teeth.

"Why wouldn't I?" Myriad asked with a tilt of her head.

Old Jeyne tsked. "The rest of our family lacks your unselfishness, my dead." She said, leading the girl into the den. Inside sat four other members of the Payne family. Grandpa Pate, Cousin Ilyn, Cousin Gawen, and Uncle Irwin.

"This is it?" Myriad asked with confusion.

Ilyn simply shrugged, and Grandpa Pate was asleep in his favorite recliner, but Gawen casually replied, "Everyone seemed to have plans. Uncle Hadwin and Aunt Bessa are having their bi-annual date night tonight of all nights, your dad is off Gods know where for the weekend, and my mom is off at the "spa" for the week," He put air quotes around "spa". Aunt Jeyne's alcoholism and subsequent stints at rehab had been a taboo subject in the Payne family for years.

"Edric and his wife and their kids just said they couldn't make it," Uncle Irwin said, his eyes never leaving the book in his lap.

Myriad rolled her eyes and fell back on the couch to sit next to Gawen. "Typical. Just typical." She muttered. "Why can't we be a normal, supportive family?" She asked. Beside her, Gawen shrugged as he took a long sip of beer.

"This family's never been close," He said dismissively. "Asking for things to change now would be like asking the sky to go from blue to brown or for fish to start living in trees."

"Stop your lamenting," Old Jeyne reprimanded. "There is a reason I called you here and it wasn't to gripe about how inconsiderate the rest of our family is." She said, taking her seat in the high back chair next to Grandpa Pate's recliner. The elderly woman reached over and yanked the lever on the side of the recliner and it snapped into sitting up position, jolting Grandpa Pate awake.

"Huh? Wha…Oh, company," Grandpa Pate muttered. "When did you all get here?" He asked groggily. "Not long ago, dear." Old Jeyne answered for them.

"We were just about to have a conversation about little Pod is all."

"Pod…Oh, Darwin's boy, yes. What's wrong, is he getting' into trouble?" Grandpa Pate asked before laughing fondly. "I remember how his uncles were around his age. Oh boy, did they make trouble. Irwin, Ilyn, remember that time Luwin toilet papered the Lefford's house with all his friends?"

Ilyn simply nodded, and Uncle Irwin seemed exasperated by the mere mention of the event. "Quite well, Uncle. I can still hear the police sirens in my nightmares."

Myriad shifted uncomfortably in her seat on the couch. She hated when people talked about her dad's wild child days. As if they were over, she thought sarcastically.

"Yes, yes, dear. Luwin was quite rowdy in his youth, but we're here to talk about Podrick." Old Jeyne said. "What I mean is that lately the boy has been acting…oddly." Gawen snorted. "Are you sure it isn't just puberty finally kicking in?" He asked, and Old Jeyne sent him a scowl.

"Quite sure, Gawen. The boy's eighteen for Seven's sake." She snapped and then she sighed. "Now let me explain, please, and do not interrupt me again." She said using her iciest voice. Everyone in the room nodded, and their posture suddenly got much better as well.

"Now, back on subject, Podrick, these last few weeks, has been acting strange. He used to be such a homebody. He's come home straight from his ride along with Officer Lannister and Officer Tarth. Lately, he hasn't been coming home until past dinner time. He's been late for dinner three times this week alone, and when I ask him if he's hungry, he says he's already eaten. And he comes home smiling, too. And when I ask him where he's been, he lies. I can see it in his eyes. He'll say he was at a friend's house or went to the library to study, but he lies. Podrick never used to lie! Something is wrong, something is terribly, terribly wrong." She seethed.

There was a long silence.

"Are you sure he just doesn't have a girlfriend?" Myriad asked.

Beside her, Gawen burst out in a fit of laughter, and in his chair across the coffee table, even Ilyn and Irwin looked amused by the very idea. Old Jeyne and Grandpa Pate, however, were exchanging meaningful looks.

"Jeyne, dear, I'm sure that—"

"No." Old Jeyne interrupted in a clipped tone. "He would never. Podrick would tell us if he had a girlfriend. He's not like Luwin, or Edric as a boy; Podrick would introduce us to her, not keep her a secret." Jeyne ranted, standing from her chair.

"Like he even could get a girlfriend!" Gawen laughed. "Kid's a stuttering mess. My money's on drugs." He said. Old Jeyne sent him a vicious glare.

"Podrick would never—"

"Aunt Jeyne, please!" Irwin interjected, and Old Jeyne sent him a disbelieving look before huffing and sitting back down in her chair. Irwin then stood up, crossed the room over to his son, and cuffed him on the back on the head.

"OW! Dad?!" Gawen screeched.

"Don't say those sorts of things about your cousin!" Irwin yelled and then he returned to his seat. Gawen glared at him briefly, rubbing the back of his head, but didn't retaliate.

"Are you sure he doesn't have a girlfriend?" Myriad asked again, elbowing Gawen in the side when he started sniggering. "Has he been texting a lot? Does stuff pop up in his room or around the house that isn't his? Has he suddenly been interested in things he was never interested in before, like a certain singer or hobby?" She quizzed, and she watched Old Jeyne and Grandpa Pate exchange looks before shrugging at her. Myriad sighed and stood up.

"Come on," She said. "We've got some investigating to do." And then she marched out of the den, into the foyer, and up the stairs to Podrick's room.

It was a nice, if small, clean room. His bed was made in one corner with a nightstand with a single lamp and alarm clock next to it, and a desk sat in another corner with a laptop sitting there along with a small stack of papers. Above it was a bulletin board with a collage of pictures, sticky notes, and school memorabilia—mostly from Riverland Prep—plastered onto it. There were several book shelves lining one wall, filled to the brim. Pod's closet door was wide open and it was a mess of clothing, half on hangers and crumbled on the floor along with shoes and old boxes of personal possessions like old participation trophies from pee-wee football and science fairs, and childhood toys that he probably couldn't bear to throw out just yet. Another door right next to his closet led to his bathroom.

"What're we supposed to be doing in here?" Gawen asked. Myriad rolled her eyes.

"Look for clues. Seven's sake, have you never watched a cartoon?" She asked. Gawen scowled at her and asked, "Well what do we look for?"

"Anything that might tell us what's going on with him. A picture of a girl, love letters—"

"Or drugs?" Gawen asked with a smirk. Myriad sighed. "And, yes, drugs. Just split up and search for clues."

With that, the six of them started combing through the room. While Ilyn went through the bookshelf, Grandpa Pate and Old Jeyne checked every drawer possible in the room, and Uncle Irwin started looking under the bed while Gawen rummaged through the closet. Myriad searched the bathroom.

She was under the sink when Old Jeyne let out a scream. She jerked and her head hit the top. With a sharp "OW!", Myriad climbed to her feet and reentered the bedroom to find a rather comical sight.

In Old Jeyne's hands was a box of condoms, and she stared at them with utter horror while all her male family members crowded around her and stared at them with disbelief.

"Told ya!" Myriad said, sticking her tongue out at Gawen, who returned the gesture.

"I, I can't believe this, I…little Pod is…is…" Old Jeyne couldn't say it, so Irwin did.

"Having sex. Like most boys his age, I'm sure. He wasn't going to stay our little Pea Pod forever, Aunt Jeyne. Just be thankful he's practicing safe sex." Irwin said, and Old Jeyne let out a long sigh. The old woman sat herself on Podrick's bed and stared at the box in her hands mournfully.

"He was my last baby. Maybe not by blood, but…he's the last child I'll ever raise. Since he was twelve years old. Ever since Darwin died and that bitch, Dalinda, abandoned him for that no good cousin of yours, Jon Crakehall. Ever since Cedric died. That boy has only ever had me and Pate…but now, he'd a man grown. And I didn't even see it. Yesterday, he was ten years old and afraid of his own shadow. Today, he's starting the police academy this fall and having sex with a girl he didn't even bother to introduce to us." Old Jeyne tossed aside the box and it landed soundlessly on Podrick's pillow. She stood up and told Irwin to put it back where he found it under the bed.

"I need a drink…" Old Jeyne muttered, making her way towards the door.

Downstairs, a door slammed.

"Aunty Jeyne! Uncle Pate!" Podrick yelled and they all froze and stared at each other a minute before all rushing out into the hall. Myriad scrambled into a bathroom, and saw Grandpa Pate and Old Jeyne hurry into their bedroom. Irwin and Ilyn rushed into a guest room, and Gawen looked around frantically for a place to hide before finally making a mad dash for the closet at the end of the hall.

Myriad listened through the door as Podrick climbed the stairs, calling for Pate and Jeyne. Then she heard a door open out in the hall.

"In here, Pod!" Old Jeyne called sweetly. "I was just helping Pate into bed for the evening. He almost fell asleep in his recliner again." She said, and Podrick laughed.

"Uncle Pate, you know that that can't be good for your back." Podrick chastised and Myriad heard Pate laugh faintly. "Good thing I have Jeyne then. What would I do without her?" Pate asked, and Old Jeyne laughed, saying, "Probably die, dear."

"Yes, of a broken heart." Pate said, and Myriad smiled because she could just imagine the blush appearing on Old Jeyne's cheeks at that.

"Oh, stop it, you!" Old Jeyne said. "Come on down stairs, Pea Pod. I'll whip you up some leftovers. Or are you not hungry?" She asked.

"Well, actually, I brought someone with me. She, she's out in the car right now waiting on the go ahead. I know you don't like impromptu guests, but the movie we went to see ran a little late and my house was closer than hers, so…I'd really like you to meet her, Aunty." Podrick whispered.

"Oh, Pea Pod, of course. Now hurry up and bring her inside! It's impolite to keep a lady waiting!" Old Jeyne chastised. "Of, of course!" Pod said and Myriad heard him climbing back down stairs, Old Jeyne following slowly after him.

Myriad smiled to herself and took a step back from the bathroom door.

Unfortunately for her, the floor happened to be wet, and she quickly found herself on her back and her head throbbing.

"_OW~!_" She groaned.

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**A/N: There were a lot of Ocs in this one, which made it really fun because I got to handcraft the family dynamic of the Payne family. I really hope you enjoyed the characters in this one. **

**Anyways, still no progress on a proper title for the series as a whole, but I do have some more ideas for stories in mind. Currently, I'm thinking about one revolving around one of the Stark girl's pregnancies, or perhaps one dealing with Brienne and Jaime and their little rugrat. **

**Hope you enjoyed, please review, check out the other "Fawn" spin-offs, and "Fawn" itself please! **


End file.
